When and whom to forgive
Forgiveness is a noble attribute (“Forgive and Be Well?” Dec. 31). However, in cases of rape and incest, it’s crucial to pursue justice first and forgive later.
Sexual predators who are locked up can’t continue to abuse, and a victim’s self-esteem may be helped by seeing justice done.
But getting incestuous relations and rapists to court is very difficult, and an emotional nightmare for victims. The additional pressure to “forgive at all costs” would make it just that much harder, I fear.
It’s tragic that this well-intended movement may lead to some abusers being “forgiven” and left free to abuse others.
Bonnie Sloane
Los Angeles
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I was flummoxed by your piece: After reading it several times, I’m still not clear what you wanted the reader to understand.
If, however, you meant to say that one ought never to hold on to anger, whether directed at yourself or others, then I agree. Holding grudges and stewing over actual or perceived wrongs act as a cancer.
David Fredericks
Las Vegas
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Thank you for the informative and balanced article on forgiveness.
One thing I cannot agree with is the strong distinction you make between forgiveness of others, which you class as a virtue, and forgiveness of self, which you imply is self-interested.
The thinking I have done, or read, on the subject clearly demonstrates that the two are inseparable.
A willingness to condemn others is often, perhaps always, connected with self-condemnation, albeit the latter may be hovering below awareness.
No one benefits from getting stuck in blame. I would go so far as to suggest that self-forgiveness is the necessary prerequisite for truly forgiving another.
Real forgiveness is a moving beyond blame altogether. One doesn’t have to get all religious about it.
You might consider it as a sort of hygiene of the heart, with as much or greater bearing upon one’s relations with others as hygiene of the body.
Forgiveness of others is meaningless without self-forgiveness because when I forgive another, I am extending an invitation for self-forgiveness to that other. That’s what forgiveness means.
A forgiveness that says, “I forgive you, but don’t you ever forget what you’ve done; don’t you ever stop feeling bad about it” is no forgiveness at all.
Joseph Miller
Santa Barbara
