The Envy Awards: Our answer to the Emmys

At last count, the Emmys offer 1.2 million categories with more being minted daily in an unmarked, underground bunker somewhere in Encino. But do they really get to the heart of what’s great on TV? Not always. So we here at The Envelope have created the alternative Envy Awards to reward those truly great television moments.

The Bad Seed Award for Special Achievement in Kids Kicking Butt

Tomboy Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) wielding her trusty sword Needle and telling a couple of bullies, “I’m good at killing fat boys” in “Game of Thrones”

Little Loretta (Kaitlyn Dever) looking to avenge her father’s death on “Justified”

Creepy Glen (Marten Weiner) disturbing the peace in the Draper household on “Mad Men”

The croquet mallet may be safely stored, but Shane’s (Alexander Gould) still giving us the willies on “Weeds”

Winner: Arya Stark. We suspect we’ll be seeing a lot more of Needle next season.

The Sam & Diane Award for Consummating True Love … Finally!

Will and Alicia get a room in “The Good Wife”

House and Cuddy lock hands (and hearts!) on “House”

Raj and Penny go all Chandler and Monica on “The Big Bang Theory”

Peter and Olivia — as well as Fauxlivia — on “Fringe”

Leslie and Ben’s secret career-threatening romance on “Parks and Recreation”

Winner: The sweet nerdy love on “Parks” had added weight because of the stakes involved. But nothing beats that elevator ride to ecstasy (and all the comic mishaps involved along the way) that Will and Alicia took on the “Good Wife” season finale.

The Less Welcome David & Maddie Award for Hooking Up …Nooooooo!

Don Draper and … what was her name? Riiiight, Megan … on “Mad Men”

House and Cuddy on “House”

Booth and Brennan on “Bones”

Winner: “Mad Men” has earned a high level of trust, as has “The Big Bang Theory,” which is why we’re completely ignoring those protests over Raj and Penny and not including them. Let’s call it a draw between the too-late-in-the-game couplings on “House” and “Bones.” You can only delay our gratification for so long and have us still care.

The Twin Peaks Memorial Award for Achievement in Polarizing Programming

Sarah Palin playing Sarah Palin on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”

James Franco playing Franco on “General Hospital”

“Glee” playing “My Funny Valentine” on its “Silly Love Songs” episode

“The Killing” playing with its audience’s expectations, delivering a cliffhanger instead of closure with its season finale.

Winner: “The Killing,” hands down. After spending 13 hours in the rain, an answer or two might have been nice, not to mention a smidgen of suspense. That Season 2 opener better be amazing.

The Art of Dying Award

Secretary Ida Blankenship (Randee Heller) expires at her desk on “Mad Men”

Ned Stark (Sean Bean) gets the ax on “Game of Thrones”

Vampire king Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare) rips the spine out of a news anchor — on air — in “True Blood.”

Andrea (Laurie Holden) cradles her zombie-mauled sister, Amy (Emma Bell), and then puts a bullet in her head so she doesn’t join “The Walking Dead.”

Nelson Van Alden (Michael Shannon) “baptizes” Agent Sebso (Erik Weiner) on “Boardwalk Empire”

Mags (Margo Martindale) serves deadly “apple pie” moonshine to Loretta’s father on the season opener of “Justified” and then poisons herself with the same concoction in the season finale.

Winner: Yes, “Thrones” shocked us by bumping off a lead. But “Justified” gets the nod for the way it bookended its brilliant second season.

Most Fearsome Feud Award

Bill Compton vs. Eric Northman, “True Blood”

Bennetts vs. Givens, “Justified”

Starks vs. Lannisters, “Game of Thrones”

Pawnee vs. Eagleton, “Parks and Recreation”

Jon Stewart vs. Chris Wallace, “Fox News Sunday”

Winner: Stewart and Wallace. Is it wrong to like laughter with our loathing?

Perfect Parody Award

“Community” mashes up “My Dinner With Andre” and “Pulp Fiction”

“Community” orbits “Apollo 13”

“30 Rock” commits “Murder on the Orient Express”

“30 Rock” lampoons Bravo reality programming with “Queen of Jordan”

“South Park” combines the iPad and “The Human Centipede” for “HUMANCENTiPAD”

Winner: “Community” and “30 Rock” split the votes. Bashing Steve Jobs certainly isn’t novel, but the “South Park” team brought its grotesque brand of anti-authoritarian absurdity to the subject and scored with one of their best recent episodes.

Best Show Nobody Watched

“Chase”

“Chicago Code”

“Detroit 1-8-7”

“Off the Map”

“The Good Guys”

Winner: Yes, “Detroit 1-8-7” had numbers, not letters (CSI, SVU) in its title. It also had Michael Imperioli brilliantly playing a weathered, old-school police detective. It had an equally weathered, old-school Detroit locale. It also had an old-school (though not weathered) Stevie Wonder theme song. For all that, ABC canceled it after one season. Detroit can’t buy a break.

calendar@latimes.com

?