Video Music Awards: Host Kevin Hart plays 20 questions

For the last 28 years, MTV’s Video Music Awards have provided a wealth of zeitgeist pop culture moments and delicious train wrecks.

Sure, they dole out cute trophies in the shape of astronauts, but people don’t tune in for the ridiculously uncontentious races celebrating the music videos they likely watched on YouTube or Vevo. Viewers want drama and the show serves up a heaping helping of tension, whether onstage or in the audience.

The VMA stage is where Britney Spears has equally sparkled and crumbled, Courtney Love upstaged Madonna and Kanye West ruined Taylor Swift’s moment (West and Swift returned, seperately, to address their feelings through song).

Before this Thursday’s ceremony is beamed from Staples Center, Pop & Hiss challenged the show’s host, comedian Kevin Hart, to a round of 20 questions as random as the awards themselves.

1. How did MTV sweeten the deal to get you to host?

Last year I did a brief two minutes at the top of the show and it came off as if I was hosting. The whole joke was I’m not the host, but if I was, here’s what I’d do … and we made a marriage out of it.

2. Why should we watch the awards and not DVR it?

Well, the live aspect is to expect the unexpected. That’s the beauty of having me as the host. You don’t know what I’m going to say, why I’m going to say it and when I’m going to say it.

3. Do you even watch music videos anymore?

That’s the beauty of the Internet. Because of the power of YouTube I’m able to catch up on my friends that are musicians.

4. Is there a recent video you wished you starred in?

Anything that involves Kelly Rowland, Ciara or Shakira. Me opposite one of them when I can just walk out of the pool and water would just drip off my body in slow motion. It would have to be a shot that would make me look tall.

5. MTV’s cutting you a check for this. Name one thing you could blow the money on.

Applejack hats. That’s what I plan on buying.

6. You hear a lot about celebrity demands. What’s something producers better have for you backstage before the show?

Here’s the thing about me: I try not to be a diva. But everyone knows I [need] my Starbursts with the corners cut off, preferably cherry and lemon combined. What that means is you need to take a lemon Starburst and a cherry one, cut the corners off, smash those two together and wrap that back up in a wrapper that’s half-yellow, half-red. That way I know you’ve done your job. If I don’t have them, I’m not doing the show.

7. Best VMA performance of all time?

Beyoncé has had some incredible performances, but Britney Spears when she performed in the nude tight outfit, or when she had the python on her neck. That was Britney before drugs.

8. Worst?

When Lil Mama thought she was a background dancer in the middle of Jay-Z and Alicia Keys’ performace and she attempted to do the Dougie.

9. Madonna, Britney and Christina famously made out on the VMA stage. Who do you think the better kisser was?

Oh, Madonna. She’s 67 years old she has more experience than anybody. [Editor’s note: Madge is actually 54.]

10. Speaking of Britney’s snake, what creature would you want to make an appearance with?

I’m thinking of coming onstage with an iguana. Just because people are gonna ask why the hell does Kevin Hart have a ... iguana onstage. They do absolutely nothing. Or a cockatoo.

11. Last year Beyoncé announced her pregnancy onstage. What pop star would you procreate with?

That’s a big one right there. Sitting next to my woman right now I will say this is a hypothetical question. Ugh. [Whispers] Shakira.

12. Another pressing issue: One Direction or the Wanted?

The Wanted. I love those guys.

13. Ok, four guys you’d be in a boy band with?

An instant hit would be me, Wayne Brady, Dave Chappelle and our lead singer is Don Cheadle. We’ll call ourselves the Dark Knights.

14. “Jersey Shore” is (finally) coming to an end. What would be the title and plot of your MTV reality show?

“I’m About to Blow All This: The Road to Kevin Hart Losing his Damn Mind.” Or it could be “Look What Money Did to Me.”

15. Fill in the blank. When Kanye snatched the mic from Taylor Swift I thought:

When Kanye snatched the mic from Taylor Swift I thought Kanye had a surprise guest to sing “Happy Birthday” to her.

16. Swift is known for her breakup anthems and will probably perform her latest. If she wrote a song about you dumping her what would it be called?

“I Never Felt Love Like I Felt It … Until Kevin Hart Came Into My Life.”

17. How many people do you think Gaga’s meat dress could have fed.

Gaga’s meat dress could have fed every kid that you see in those commercials with flies over their head. You’re looking at probably 2,000 kids.

18. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee used the VMAs to settle the score over their ex, Pamela Anderson. Rihanna is performing so I’ve got to ask, who would win in a brawl between Drake and Chris Brown.

Here’s the thing: [Rock and Lee] are two white guys that would never quit. The fight would just continue, those are two guys that don’t give a .... . Black people, we quit and grab the weapons.

19. Diddy gave out a diamond watch to an audience member when he hosted in 2005. What’s in your pocket currently that you’d part with?

I have a piece of Juicy Fruit. It is my last piece. I’m willing to give it out to a lucky winner today.

20. Last question, one celebrity you’re hoping to see in the front row during your opening monologue?

I’m really hoping — and this is serious — if there is any way that I can get Shucky Ducky in the front row, it would be huge.

The 2012 MTV Video Music Awards will air live from the Staples Center Thursday at 8 p.m. ET. Follow @GerrickKennedy

gerrick.kennedy@latimes.com

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