‘Bachelor’ recap: Juan Pablo can’t hold a candle to Lowe nuptials

Who watched Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici tie the knot on Sunday night, guys? Oh, right. That was literally just me. Because who else would opt to see two reality stars get married on live television instead of the Grammy Awards? Poor timing, ABC.

Anyway, your loss, music lovers, because the wedding was some good stuff. There was a honeymoon suite cam of an empty bedroom. Sean’s cute Texan dad officiated. Also, Sean cried a lot, and I felt feelings.

I bring this up only because the wedding served as a stark reminder of how terrible Juan Pablo’s season of “The Bachelor” is. Sure, I wasn’t easy on Sean, either, a few years back -- but at least he brought an interesting point of view to the show. He also seemed genuinely kind, and you saw a legitimate connection between him and Catherine.

I literally can’t imagine who I’d want to see marry Juan Pablo. Well, maybe Sharleen. Definitely Sharleen. Because that would be so amazing. Her vows would last minimum five minutes, guaranteed, while JuanPabs would probably just dance to express his love.

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Ah, yes. Dancing. This takes us to Monday night’s episode, where the remaining ladies and El Bachelor traveled to Seoul.

“Korea? I don’t even have a kimono!” Yep. That was Clare’s reaction when she found out about the trip. Drop the mic.

So on the first group date -- yes, tragically, there were two this episode -- JuanPabs took the ladies to perform with K-Pop group 2NE1. Get it? Like “twenty-one”? They’re very creative abroad.

Just who is 2NE1, you ask? Why, they’re the Spice Girls of Korea, according to Juan. They have more than 77 million YouTube views, adds Nikki! Such fun little tidbits, you guys.

Wearing Justin Bieber’s drop-crotch pants, JuanPabs showed up with the ladies to learn some dance moves from 2NE1. Most everyone was super excited, particularly Chelsie, who said as a little girl she used to dream about being Britney Spears’ backup dancer. So this was almost-totally-not-at-all the same thing!

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Nikki, however, was not pleased about having to learn choreography. I didn’t blame her, particularly because she was put in leggings with holes in them for the performance. Because of her lack of dancing ability, Nikki was pouring some haterade on Kat, who was clearly the best of the group.

“Ugh,” Nikki complained, “the cameras come on, and she’s a totally different person. She’s like, ‘Who wants some guacamole?!?!’”

Wait, say what? She asks everyone to enjoy some avocado dip when the crew comes around? Um, here for the wrong reasons much? Get her outta here!

Anyway, despite her bad dancing, Nikki ended up getting the rose. I was glad, because I have her in my final four, and being right is all I care about.

The only lucky lady to get a one-on-one date in Seoul was Sharleen, and thank goodness, because she is the only beacon of light for me this season. To recap: Sharleen, an opera singer who currently lives in Germany, was given the first impression rose on Night 1. She nearly rejected it, because she wasn’t feeling a connection with JuanPabs. A few weeks in, she still wasn’t sure he was the right one for her. According to Chelsie, Sharleen said she was “bored by him” and that they had “dull conversation.” In other words: This chick is the only sane one on the show this season.

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And the best part? She’s Juan Pablo’s favorite! Because, duh, dudes are stupid and they like any girl who is a challenge. It’s so hilarious and perfect. I can’t wait until we get to the end of the season and Sharleen pulls a Brooks, all, “Sorry, bro, I’m just not that into you.”

Though part of me does think Sharleen may end up getting sucked in. She’s the smart girl who has never gotten attention from the hot jock before and now can’t resist, even though she knows she’d be settling if she went with him.

Juan Pablo, however, disagrees.

“I don’t think Sharleen realizes how much she’s like me,” he said in an interview following their date. “We have a lot in common.”

Oh, really? You do? Please, regale me with said commonalities, JuanPabs. Because here’s what I have so far:

Sharleen

--Likes to sing
--Doesn’t want kids
--Calls it like she sees it
--Has a high IQ
--Was the worst one at soccer on the group date

JuanPabs

--Former professional soccer player
--Can dance, but not sing
--Lives in la-la land
--Has one kid, and wants two or three more
--Says he went to “university,” though this has not been proved

Oh, yeah -- I skipped over the actual date. They walked around a market, ate weird food and kissed and stuff. She awkwardly sang for like 30 seconds for him from across a courtyard with her back turned. Then they had dinner, and he asked how many kids she wanted. Sharleen replied that she wasn’t sure she wanted any, and that she’d dated a guy with a kid once and had a hard time accepting it. Everyone thought this was the kiss of death, but I loved how honest she was -- and so did JuanPabs, who gave her a rose.

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Ugh, then there was another group date with Andi, the dog lover and some other girls I can’t remember. They did lots of things: Sang karaoke in a room with some pretty floral wallpaper. Went for a ride on dirty swan paddle boats. Got those pedicures where little fish eat the dead skin off your feet like the Kardashians did in Greece. It was a veritable cornucopia of fun.

When night fell all the ladies got tipsy and started trying to get close to JuanPabs. But no! He had decided -- after kissing six ladies -- that he would no longer offer up his lips for public consumption. He wanted to be a good example for his daughter, Camila. Because Camila is totally going to think her daddy is an upstanding citizen if he kisses a half-dozen chicks on national television instead of, what, 10? Way to draw a line in the sand, JuanPabs.

Clare, however, made the cut. She got a peck even after telling Juan Pablo that she’d thrown up in her mouth after trying octopus earlier in the day. ProTip, ladies: Want a dude to make out with you? Tell him how you swallowed your vomit earlier in the day. He will want to get all up in there.

Then Clare had to leave to go pack the kimono she didn’t wear in Seoul for Vietnam, where the group is heading next week. For all of our sakes, I hope that’s coincidentally where Sean and Catherine happen to be honeymooning.

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