‘Bachelor’ recap: Juan Pablo should stick to soccer, not speaking

First of all, let’s state the obvious: It was weird watching “The Bachelor” on Monday. If I didn’t already have mixed feelings about Juan Pablo -- which, uh, I definitely did -- it certainly didn’t help to learn his feelings about gay people this week.

If you’re just catching up, on Friday JuanPabs told a reporter that he couldn’t envision a season of “The Bach” featuring a gay individual. Because they are “more pervert.” *Face palm.* On Saturday, ABC responded, calling his comments “thoughtless and insensitive.” JuanPabs then apologized and blamed a lot of the misunderstanding on his language barrier. Which is interesting, because “pervert” in Spanish is “pervertido.” I. Know.

So with that all looming over me, I returned to the Bachelor mansion on Monday. Actually, we went to Long Beach, where Juan was hanging out with his daughter and feeding her chicken before he went on a date with the 21-year-old who could be her new mom in mere months. That’s right, former NBA dancer and single mother Cassandra was up first. Juan took her for a drive in a Jeep that turned into a boat, or as we call them in my native Boston, duck boats. I am wondering who gave JuanPabs the authority to drive this vehicle.

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Anyway, I would rather have watched paint drying. Like, it was brutal. I don’t think these Einsteins exchanged three words the entire day, which ended back at Juan Pablo’s fake house where they awkwardly danced in the kitchen. Of course, she got a rose, because “damn, Cassandra is beautiful.” His words, not mine.

Then it was time for a group date at StubHub Center, the L.A. Galaxy’s soccer stadium. Juan Pablo was very excited to show off his former-pro soccer player skills, and I was excited to watch him not speak and wear a soccer uniform.

Before the ladies arrived, JuanPabs kicked the ball around with some members of the team, who you know must have hated him. All I know is I didn’t see Landon Donovan there, so it wasn’t that exciting.

When the girls got to the field, they were broken up into teams. They put those black makeup line thingies under their eyes to look tough.

“Watching the girls play soccer, I can see who plays well,” JuanPabs ACTUALLY SAID.

I can’t. I CANNOT. Can you?

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All right, so they played and then the real games began as girls started jockeying for Juan’s time. Andi, that lucky firecracker, got to hide out with him in the stadium’s Wings & Beer shack and make out in its kitchen. “The Bachelor,” ladies, where all of your wildest dreams can come true!

Meanwhile, Sharleen, the cold opera singer who was reluctant to accept the first impression rose on Night 1, continued to be my personal hero and savior. Before spending a bit of one-on-one time with Juan, she told a producer in an interview that “he’s just so obviously attractive that, I’m not gonna lie, I’m interested in seeing where that could go.” That’s right. She’s in this for the fantasy suite and nothing else, people. It’s all about the competition. And I love her for it.

The final one-on-one date went to Chelsie, and JuanPabs took her to scenic Old Pasadena to indulge in some Venezuelan food. After the two had stuffed their faces, naturally, Juan told her they’d be going tandem bungee jumping because he likes to be vomited on.

Needless to say, Chels wasn’t stoked on this little “aventura.” The bungee jumping location was also maybe the worst ever, because the bridge they were meant to jump off of was facing A FREEWAY. Nothing more calming than staring at speeding, honking cars before you hurl yourself into space, amirite?

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Chelsie was so nervous that JP seemed to spend at least a good 10 minutes talking her, well, off the ledge, telling her to “just do it for me,” which is super comforting. Once she realized that he would have been OK if she didn’t jump, Chelsie said, she decided to jump. Which is faulty logic, because he definitely wouldn’t have been OK if she didn’t jump. Like, there’s no way she would have gotten the rose. Don’t you know how this works? Plus, the girl who goes on the scary activity date ALWAYS goes far. There’s something about going through the nerves and the adrenaline together that creates a deeper bond.

“I think if we jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much do anything,” Chelsie said afterward. Yeah, how’d that work out for Jake and Vienna?

Back at the mansion the next day, Juan Pablo came over to cook the ladies a surprise breakfast. The first to discover him was Kelly, who’d come downstairs to let her dog outside. (WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MOLLY THE DOG NEXT WEEK WHEN THE TRAVELING STARTS, GUYS?) Realizing how she looked first thing in the morning, she turned right around and walked back upstairs. Which I kind of loved. I look straight hideous in the AM, so I feel you, girl.

After brekkie, JuanPabs said he’d rather have a pool party with the ladies instead of a cocktail party. Because, duh, bikinis. There were breasts and crying and stuff. Then Lucy the Free Spirit and some blond chick named Christy who I had literally never seen before tonight went home. Yay isn’t this season fun?

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