‘The Bachelor’ recap: Sean just wants to have fun

Before we get to the fantasy suites -- er, I mean the candlelit dens of polite conversation -- a disclaimer: I knew AshLee was going home on this episode. That’s because I was at the “Women Tell All” taping on Friday, and she was there. And let’s just say that she was less than pleased with our lovely “Bachelor.” But more on that next week.

This week, it was time for Sean to get down and not-so-dirty with his final three in Thailand. Obviously, the big question heading into the episode was whether Sean would even opt to use the suites at all, because he’s extremely conservative. Last week, Sean’s mug was plastered all over checkout aisles on the cover of Us Weekly, which proclaimed that he’s a born-again virgin. That’s right: According to the gossip bible, Sean slept around during his college days, but no longer believes in premarital sex. Which would render said fantasy suites useless.

The first woman to put his celibacy to the test was, unfortunately, Lindsay, who Sean seems to have the most physical chemistry with. There certainly doesn’t seem to be much to their conversation, which is mostly peppered with Lindsay’s valley girl-isms.

PHOTOS: Celebrities by the Times

Oh my God! It’s so good to see Sean! Oh my God! The Thai people dyed birds pink and are selling them for $10 a pop! Oh my God! I’ll never eat a bug! Oh my God! I’m eating a bug!

That’s right, on the latest stop of the Sean-makes-girls-do-terrible-things tour, he decided to make Lindsay do the one thing she insisted she never would: down some creepy crawlers. I have to say, I was pretty impressed with how Lindsay stepped up her bug game. After polishing off a beetle, she even threw a grasshopper down the hatch. Props.

“I want to live a fun, exciting life, and I need an adventurous partner,” Sean said. I guess GQ can add grasshopper-chomping to its list of sexy of female traits.

Then they fed a slew of monkeys on the beach that all looked like the capuchin from “The Hangover.” They were cute. And I liked them.

At dinner, by a Thai carnival that resembled It’s a Small World/”Wheel of Fortune,” Lindsay revealed that not only was she willing to eat bugs for Sean -- she’d even uproot her entire life for him. “I absolutely have everything open,” she said, staring googly-eyed at Sean. “I would be willing to just move whenever!”

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Oscars 2013: Winner list | Red carpet | Highlights

This was music to Sean’s ears, of course, and he told her about his daydreams of their future Texas McMansion. So enticing were said fantasies that Lindsay began to contemplate dropping the L-bomb -- until a gaggle of Thai dancers walked in and started performing for the couple.

“Will you dance like that for me later?” Sean said, which would have been scandalous if the dancers hadn’t been performing a traditional Thai routine. This was hardly belly dancing, folks.

Of course, Lindsay eventually ended up telling Sean she was in love with him, but that couldn’t compare with the 3 million times AshLee said it during her one-on-one date. There probably would have been even more L-bombs dropped if Sean didn’t make AshLee swim through a dark cave.

Yes, post-bugs, it was AshLee’s turn to suffer at the hands of Sean the Sadist. Yes, most of the couple’s exotic date was made up of rolling around half-naked on a beach -- but to get there, they had to wade through pitch-black water in a damp cave. At first, the personal organizer was extremely uptight, and almost seemed legitimately mad at Sean for forcing her into the chaotic situation. But once they made it through to the jaw-dropping rainforest-draped beach, her concerns had evaporated.

“If Sean proposed to me today, I’d say yes,” she said, shocking no one.

Throughout the date, AshLee seemed more into Sean than he was into her, but when it came to the fantasy suite, they were on the same page.

“What I would love is to stay up with her all night just talking,” Sean explained. Yes! AshLee agreed: A night full of hot, sexy conversation it was! All about what kind of ring AshLee wanted -- a cushion-cut with diamonds all the way around. Size 6.5. Stop it, you sexy minx!

At least Sean and AshLee share the same moral values. Heading into his final date with Catherine, Sean revealed he was worried that he and she might not share the “same life goals.”

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Oscars 2013: Backstage | Quotes | Best & Worst moments

But on a sailboat ride, Catherine put his mind at ease: Like Lindsay, she said she’d be willing to leave her hometown for love. But somehow, I wasn’t as bothered when Catherine committed herself to Dallas. She seems so much more self-assured, and I don’t feel that her entire existence is wrapped up in a dude she’s known for a few weeks.

That’s not to say that she didn’t get a bit giddy over Sean, gushing yet again about how “beefy” and “hunky” he was.

“I just feel like Catherine gets me better than anyone else,” Sean said.

Dude, Catherine is totally gonna win. I kind of love her and how open she is about her insecurities. When she told Sean she felt uncomfortable being in a bikini so much because she’d been called chubby as a kid, his reply actually melted my heart: “You are smokin’ hot. I’m the lucky one.” Writing that, I realize how cheesy it is. But this is the part of the season where I get sucked in. And you know how this goes: I start rooting for the couple to really make it. I sometimes cry during the finale. I buy tabloids about them. They break up. I hate myself.

Speaking of hatred: Um, AshLee hates Sean. When Sean didn’t give her a rose, my boyfriend dug his head into my shoulder and whispered “I’mScaredI’mScaredI’mScared” for two minutes while she shot daggers into the universe via her eyes.

Sean tried to follow her as she stormed out, but AshLee was not in the mood for any explanation.

“Just stay here,” she warned.

“I want you to go away with closure,” he said, proceeding to explain that AshLee isn’t fun and Catherine and Lindsay are. Cue the dead silence.

“All right,” she said, hopping in the limo.

Stone-faced, she bitterly explained her lack of fun-ness.

“This wasn’t a silly game to me. This wasn’t about a joy ride and about laughter and joking and having fun.”

Totes, gurl. Because who wants to laugh and joke and have fun while they’re falling in love? Amirite, ladies?

ALSO:

‘Bachelor’ recap: Tierra and her eyebrow get very emotional

‘Bachelor’ recap: During a polar bear plunge, icy Tierra cracks

‘Bachelor’ recap: On hometown dates, siblings question playboy Sean