Tires and Brimstone
Much has been said of the cryptic Mayan calendar, an amazingly intricate ancient system that spans millennia and ends so rudely on December 21 of 2012. If it truly portends the end of the world, what exactly does this mean for car buyers currently searching for that perfect CPO ride?
For the sake of speculation — and kicks — the editors at Cars.com carefully considered this very question, coming up with several new models that offer specific advantages for riding out the End of Days in style.
What’s the right choice for surviving a tectonic plate upheaval, you ask? What about a massive solar eruption? Zombie uprising? We’ve applied the same kind of thoughtful Cars.com analysis to late-model CPO rides aimed at value-minded survivalists looking for great deals and strong warranties — a nice bonus if you can find a repair shop that hasn’t burned to the ground.
Let’s start with the eminently practical Ford Crown Victoria, an excellent and durable choice that can go a long way on scavenged junk parts, writes Joe Bruzek, Cars.com editor.
“Crown Victorias have the ‘WALL-E’ factor in post-apocalyptic urban environments,” he said, referring to Pixar’s cute scavenger robot left to clean up an uninhabited earth. “He scavenges through an abundance of duplicated broken robots for extra parts. Spare parts will be a breeze to find on abandoned Crown Victorias because they have been hugely popular choices for police and taxi duty.”
Moreover, they’ve been known to rack up more than 200,000 miles despite heavy abuse. The Crown Victoria is a great family car with plenty of room for survival supplies and weapons.
Fired up
Environmental devastation — whether natural or nuclear — can get pretty darned hot. Not to worry with the sexy Hyundai Equus, a powerful luxury sedan packing a 4.6-liter V-8 and dripping with amenities, including cooled seats that even have a massage feature.
So let the world melt into searing chaos and marauding cannibals — you’ll be whistling a happy tune in cool comfort all the way to the nearest survival shelter. And if massive earth tremors erupt, the Equus has adaptive air suspension.
Another excellent choice for land upheavals is the Lexus LS 460 sedan, a long and sleek beauty equipped with advanced air suspension that makes it “feel like it’s driving on clouds,” according to Bruzek.
It also has an optional pre-collision warning system — useful for avoiding landslides and crumbling infrastructure — to go with a 380-horsepower V-8 that gets a surprising 24 mpg on highway.
Resourceful rides
The planet will be in enough trouble without fouling whatever’s left of the environment with tailpipe emissions. Besides, fuel will be scarce and who knows how much a tank of gas will cost?
To make the most of scant resources, we’ll add a CPO Chevy Volt to the list; it runs on electricity but charges its batteries with a small onboard gas engine.
The 2011 Volt delivers around 90 to 95 mpg, depending on driving habits and conditions. Amid global devastation, figure on the low end of that. But still. In the unlikely event there’s a working outlet, you can plug the Volt in overnight for an all-electric ride from 25 to 50 miles.
Making an eco-conscious statement while cutting a distinctly imposing profile, the Ram 3500 is a beefy pickup with strong suspension that can navigate the nastiest “Mad Max” terrain with a clean-diesel 6.7-liter engine that doesn’t sip a drop of petrol. And the spacious interior is appropriately manly.
“A diesel deserves to make the list because they can be set up to run on scavenged vegetable oil from restaurants,” Bruzek pointed out. “Plus, the Ram truck’s optional Rambox has factory mounts to hold a pair of shotguns.”
Always useful for hunting food or fending off zombies.
Devastation in style
For a more civilized approach to dealing with a zombie uprising, you can’t beat the Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG, a two-seat supercar with no room in the back for unwanted stowaways starving for brains.
True, any two-seater would provide similar protection, “but if you’re one of the last humans around, why not go in style?” Bruzek asked. “Plus, the gullwing doors allow hasty entry and exit of the cabin for retrieving people while on the go.”
Style, indeed. The SLS AMG has a lightweight all-aluminum frame and souped-up 563-horsepower 6.3-liter V-8 engine that reaches 60 mph in less than four seconds.
Another sexy two-seat sport ride, the Audi TT roadster is more nimble and fuel efficient than the SLS — its 2-liter I-4 fetches 211 horsepower and up to 31 mpg highway. The TT can nimbly outmaneuver zombies as well as turn heads.
A fine crossover for families who prefer to navigate desolation with panache, the Land Rover Range Rover Supercharged offers the whole post-civilization package: luxury, versatility and a 5-liter 518-horsepower V-8 engine that tops out at 140 mph.
The five-passenger Range Rover Supercharged also is an off-road champ, with adjustable terrain modes that deftly handle gravel, rocks, snow and more. A rear-view zombie-tracking camera is available along with a backseat DVD system — perfect for keeping the kids entertained and diverted from their lack of a meaningful future.
And if December 22 dawns and all is well? You’ll at least have a plausible excuse for raiding their college funds to finance such a beautiful certified pre-owned ride. Best to err on the side of safety.
– Bob Young
Custom Publishing Writer
