What Kanye West can teach us about apologizing

Kanye West is known for making bold proclamations.

Between his 2005 statement that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” to telling radio personality Sway Calloway in 2013 that he, Kanye, is “the most relevant voice on the planet Earth,” his words can be taken lightly as comical, but they certainly carry weight.

That’s likely why many felt the sting of his most recent decree; in a May interview with TMZ Live, West said that American slavery was “a choice.”

“When you hear about slavery for 400 years, for 400 years, that sounds like choice,” he said after questions on his support of President Donald Trump. “You was there for 400 years, and it’s all of y’all?”

On Wednesday, West, a South Side native, apologized for those words on Chicago’s WGCI-FM 107.5 radio station.

“I have never really approached or addressed the slavery comment fully,” he said. “This is something about the fact that it hurt people’s feelings and the way that I presented that piece of information. I could present in a way more calm way, but I was ramped up. And I apologize. That happens sometimes when people are — I’m not blaming mental health, but I’m explaining mental health.”

READ MORE: Kanye West apologizes for saying slavery was ‘a choice’ »

He continued, “I don’t know if I properly apologized for how the slavery comment made people feel. I’m sorry for the one-two effect of the MAGA hat into the slave comment, and I’m sorry for people that felt let down by that moment.”

But was his apology effective enough to soothe the wounds of the fans he hurt, or create a learning moment for a broader context? What can we learn about proper apologies from Kanye?

Susan Heitler, psychologist and author of “From Conflict to Resolution: Skills and Strategies for Individuals, Couples, and Family Therapy,” says West made a good effort.

“There are two aspects to an effective apology,” she said. “One: acknowledging that you made a mistake, did damage and caused pain to the other, and two: expressing non-intentionality by saying, ‘I didn’t mean to do it.’”

While saying “I didn’t mean to” can often come across as an excuse, Heitler says “a statement of non-intentionality makes people feel better because they know you didn’t do something on purpose.”

But she also noted that it’s not enough.

“Statements of non-intentionality must be followed with self-examination and learning,” she said. “If Kanye said, ‘As I’ve thought about it more, I can see now that that was insulting. I didn’t mean to insult, I was just talking about something I didn’t understand and I see it was victim blaming.’”

The self-examination involves looking at how you made the offense, she said, but that it goes beyond only taking ownership to making necessary changes to not make the repeat offense in the future.

“You apologize for mistakes, and mistakes are for learning,” she said. “If people understood that mistakes are for learning then they are more likely to acknowledge the mistake and then derive the learning. This doesn’t undo the damage, but it does add a level of understanding for the future.”

Without sufficient apologies — which Heitler says always start with “I’m sorry I,” not “I’m sorry you,” — relationships will suffer.

“The hurt party can harbor resentment, be unable to let go, or even have weariness in future interactions,” she said. “There can be distrust or negative images of the other person.”

She added that the person who committed the offense is at a disservice too.

“It hurts the person who made the mistake because there was no learning, so they remain at risk for doing the same mistake again.”

It can be hard for some people to say “I’m sorry” due to an improper view of self, Heitler said.

“Apologizing is hard if you equate the part with the whole,” she said. “In other words, if I make one mistake, that means all of me is bad; one behavior I did represents all of me, and I don’t want to come across that I’m all bad so I don’t acknowledge that I made a mistake.”

Heitler encouraged the need for dialogue when apologizing.

“This is a dialogue, not a monologue,” she said, “so there needs to be space for the other person to express how they’re feeling and responding to what you’re saying.”

Effective apologies is critical for our personal relationships.

“Apologizing cleans the interpersonal wound and enables it to heal,” said Heitler. “Just like if you scrape your knee, you got to clean it out for it to heal appropriately. Apologizing helps the relationship grow back to being healthy and loving and positive.”

chrjohnson@chicagotribune.com

Twitter @christenadot_