COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES -- peter buffa

Well, it’s almost here. The millennium that wasn’t. Yippee. How many

years have we been hearing about this thing? Is that all? I guess it just

seems like forever. Never has so much been said by so many about so

little. The handful of us who’ve tried to point out that the start of the

new millennium is 2001, not 2000, were no match for the turbo-charged,

jet-fueled hype-mobile called “the media.” It used to bother me, but I’m

almost over it. Now, it just seems bizarre. Reporters and news anchors

burble an endless stream of “millennium” stories, even though they’re

fully aware that tonight has about as much to do with the new millennium

as last Tuesday, or next Mother’s Day, or Sept. 9, 1978 -- which is to

say, nothing.

If we take every story over the past year at face value, here’s what the

morrow holds. First, there is the dreaded Y2K “problem,” also known as

the ‘Computer Consultants Full Employment Act.” By now, you know the

litany by heart. Massive disruptions in water, power and telephone

service, kiss any money you have in the bank goodbye, and ... what else?

Oh yeah, planes start falling from the sky at 12:05 a.m. tomorrow, so

make sure you put your cars in the garage tonight. In fact, after you get

the cars in, better put your PC out in the yard in case the thing blows

up at midnight. And the terrorists! Holy Moley. If the news reports are

accurate, and how could they not be, there are about 2,500 terrorists an

hour trying to sneak into the U.S. If this keeps up, the Customs Service

will have to set up temporary booths at major airports and the Canadian

border.

“If you’re upset with Israel, Window 7. If you’re an anti-government nut,

an animal-rights extremist or an eco-terrorist, Windows 4 and 6. If you

are a world-ender, religious or secular, please use Windows 1 through 3.

If you have more than one cause, take a seat in the waiting area and a

counselor will be with you as soon as possible. Thank you so much.”

Pity poor Israel. They have been descended upon by every dazed and

confused wing nut imaginable -- most of them, embarrassing to say, from

these United States. They have already tossed out a religious cult from

Colorado which was planning a mass suicide a la “Heaven’s Gate.” There

are so many prophets of doom in town that a number of Jerusalem hotels

are offering -- I’m serious -- “end-of-the-world” packages this weekend.

I’ve tried to get some of the details on the Internet, but no luck so

far. I want to know exactly how it works. Do you have to pay for all

three nights in advance, or just tonight? Can you get the complimentary

breakfast before midnight, just in case? If you have multiple

personalities, can you still get a single? Do you get a discount if

you’re a biblical figure? This is important.

Despite the best efforts of the media, the “Millennium Frenzy” has

quickly turned into the “Millennium Fizzle.” Why is that? A number of

reasons. One is the strong backlash against hotels and restaurants and

concert promoters who were trying to redefine o7 gougef7 -- concert

seats starting at $1,000 and $150 hotel rooms marked up to $1,500 a

night, with a three night minimum. But the wettest wet blanket by far is

that the media has scared the Jello out of everyone. How ironic is that?

The same folks who whipped everyone into a frenzy about a new millennium

that wasn’t are the people pouring ice water on it now. So what will

happen tomorrow?

Well, you’ve come to the right place. As you know, I have very little

knowledge to offer, but I am always willing to share it. To begin with --

and remember, you heard it here first -- the Y2K “problem” will turn out

to be the greatest “computer virus” hoax ever. The entire digital tantrum

was a creation of consultants and the media. A Department of Commerce

study estimates that more than $100 billion has been spent “fixing” the

Y2K problem. And yes, a few ATMs will print out receipts with 1900 on

them instead of 2000, and some reservoir in East Forsaken will

accidentally discharge some water. But don’t you get it? It’s the perfect

scam. Consultants and data processing managers will proudly declare

victory.

“Who knows what might have happened without our diligence and a zillion

dollars,” they’ll say. It’s an expensive twist on the very old joke about

the guy who wears some dumb thing around his neck to ward off elephants.

When someone points out that there are no elephants within 10,000 miles,

he says: “See? It works.”

If there is any violence, it will be a product of one of the most

powerful forces on earth. Ignorance. Never underestimate the power of

ignorance. It will be the same cast of crazies that we worry about the

rest of the time, just a different night. Bottom line -- do whatever you

want tonight, don’t worry, be happy. Just please, please don’t drive if

you do the wine and spirits thing.

Actually, I can give you a few specifics about tomorrow morning. The sun

will rise in the East. You’ll climb out of bed, glad you stayed home or

sorry you didn’t, and venture out to get the paper. You’ll go back

inside. The headlines will scream something about “The Millennium” and

you’ll wonder, again, why The Times puts the Orange County section on the

bottom now. Have some breakfast, get fluffed and folded, and head for the

mall or the recliner, whichever is closer. A little Rose Parade, a little

football, a nice dinner. Come Monday morning, we’ll all take another run

at it. See? Frank Capra was right. It is a wonderful life. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays.

E-mail him at PtrB4@AOL.com.