Family Time -- Steve Smith

The following information is so sensitive that I was unable to

disclose it until this week. Several weeks ago, when the 9th Circuit

Court of Appeals agreed to hear the arguments for and against the

constitutionality of the Pledge of Allegiance, the Family Time SnoopCam

was there to record everything.

What follows is a transcript of the moments leading up to the landmark

decision to declare the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional because it

contains the words “under God.” Voting to institute the ban were Judges

Alfred T. Goodwin and Stephen Reinhardt. The dissenting judge was

Ferdinand F. Fernandez.

LAW CLERK: Good morning, Judge Goodwin.

GOODWIN: Good morning, Mr. Clerk. What are the cases up for opinion

today?

CLERK: Well, sir, let’s see. There’s the ultimate ruling on global

warming, and there’s, uh, a case to decide whether billions in taxpayer

loans to bail out mismanaged companies are OK, and uh, let’s see, there’s

one case involving the death penalty and one to decide the

constitutionality of the Pledge of Allegiance and one to --

GOODWIN: Wait! What was that last one? The Pledge of Allegiance?

CLERK: Yes, sir. Apparently, Michael A. Newdow, a Sacramento atheist,

sued his daughter’s Elk Grove School District, Congress and

then-President Bill Clinton in 2000, calling the pledge a “religious idea

that certain people don’t agree with.” A federal judge had dismissed an

earlier lawsuit but Newdow, a doctor who holds a law degree, represented

himself in an effort to restore the pledge to its pre-1954 version -- the

one without the words “under God.” Newdow argued that no one should be

forced to worship a religion in which they don’t believe.

GOODWIN: The constitutionality of the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s

perfect! Makes all those abortion, death penalty and pollution decisions

seem like kid stuff, doesn’t it, Mr. Clerk?

CLERK: Well sir, I, uh, that is, well, after all it IS the Pledge of

Allegiance, sir.

GOODWIN: Not in my court. Here, all cases are seen through the same

blindfold. Don’t you forget that, Mr. Clerk.

CLERK: Yes sir, but I just don’t understand why this particular case

is so important, sir. I mean, looking through the list here, there are

just an awful lot of other things to decide that --

GOODWIN: Well, those other puny issues will just have to wait. The

Pledge of Allegiance! Boy, oh, boy, I haven’t had anything this juicy

since the lawn dart ban back in the ‘80s. Mr. Clerk, why the long face?

CLERK: Well, sir, it’s just that I grew up saying the Pledge of

Allegiance with those words, and I’m Jewish. They never bothered me. Most

of the time I said them, and sometimes I just paused for a moment and

said nothing. But they never made me feel like my religion didn’t count

or that religion was being forced on me. They were just words, to take or

leave as I pleased.

GOODWIN: Well, that’s fine for you, Mr. Clerk, but you were probably a

mature kid. You were probably born 30 years old (laughs). Just think

about all the other kids who have had this language foisted on them

unknowingly for almost 50 years. Why, it’s like subliminal advertising.

I’ll bet there are kids talking in tongue because of this influence.

CLERK: Well, I’ve never seen or heard of anyone suffering any great

emotional or physical harm because of those two words, and besides, sir,

well, aren’t there some other collateral issues to consider?

GOODWIN: What do you mean, Mr. Clerk?

CLERK: Well, sir, a ruling declaring the Pledge of Allegiance

unconstitutional could open the flood gates. I mean, it could be that

money will be declared unconstitutional because it has “In God We Trust”

on everything. And how do we explain to kids that they can’t sing

“America the Beautiful” or “God Bless America” in school anymore? Even

this court, Judge Goodwin, this court begins each morning with an

invocation. So does the United States House of Representatives, the

Senate and thousands of other local government organizations. If the

pledge gets ruled unconstitutional, those prayers may all be up for

grabs.

GOODWIN: We can’t worry about all that piddly stuff, Mr. Clerk! We’ve

got millions of kids to protect! These two words could turn kids into

religious fanatics! Why, it’s worse than algebra!

CLERK: Sir, you don’t mean--

GOODWIN: Yes I do, Mr. Clerk. After this Pledge of Allegiance thing

blows over, I want you to find me a meaty math case.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Readers

may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at (949) 642-6086.