Reporter’s Notebook : New Problems of the ‘Sandwich Generation’ Are Tough to Chew
They call it the “sandwich generation.” That may sound like baloney and the makings of even more puns. But for those of us who have joined the ranks, it is no joke.
The term refers to adults who are caring for not only their own children, but their aging parents as well. Squeezed in the middle, they are raising children while juggling the emotional, financial and logistical problems of playing parent to their own parents.
Caring for the elderly is nothing new, but this “middle generation squeeze” is bound to become a growing issue, according to Sharon Hamill, a doctoral student at UC Irvine who is studying multigeneration families. Researchers note that the elderly are living longer, although often with disabilities or debilitating illnesses. People are having fewer children, leaving smaller families of siblings to care for the elderly, and those siblings may be scattered across the country, far away from the ailing parent.
At the same time, Hamill said, more women are entering the work force, so they must fit new responsibilities into their already full world of children and jobs. (Despite changing sexual roles, women still bear the brunt of parent care as daughters and daughters-in-law, Hamill said.) Further, the “baby boomers” are waiting longer to have children these days, stretching the age gap between child, parent and grandparent.
I joined the sandwich generation 3 months ago on a Saturday morning, when my husband and I and our 1 1/2-year-old got into the car and raced to Los Angeles to discover my mother-in-law felled, quite literally, by a stroke. Later that night, as she lay in a hospital bed, we began to realize that many lives were about to be changed unalterably.
Recovery has been a period of great change for my once-independent mother-in-law. A sweet yet feisty woman, she had a childhood straight out of a Dickens novel, then raised 4 children while working and hopscotching across the country with her husband and brood. For the past 15 years, she has lived alone in a house with barred-over windows in a tough section of Hollywood.
Suddenly, with the blockage of a blood vessel in her brain, that independence was shattered. Her children have had to make decisions about her care, take charge of her finances, and refuse her pleas to A parent’s illness can bring sudden changes to family dynamics. Bonds are strengthened with some siblings, torn with others.
be allowed to go home and rest when she needed to stay--and learn to walk again--in a rehabilitation hospital. When it became apparent that she was too frail to live alone any longer, her children hired attendants to move into her once-private home, with disastrous results. Two weeks ago, unable to take her into their own houses, they found her a room in a retirement home--a decision at once painful and comforting.
The changes have been enormously difficult for her. And equally so for her family.
Being a parent in no way prepares you to take care of a parent. One researcher on the subject observed that when we have children, we are elated. Raising a child is hard work, but we expect--and receive--joy as we watch the baby grow into our world, knowing of no other.
But when a parent suddenly needs our care, both parent and grown child remember the way it was before. And instead of watching a baby grow up healthy and strong, the grown child caring for an ailing parent knows the future may hold more illness and deterioration.
For the grown child, it is a time of giving--a return of the loving care that their parent once gave so freely. But that does not make it easy. The avalanche of competing responsibilities can feel overwhelming.
For 3 months, half of every weekend, countless nights after work, even vacation days off--precious time I usually spend caring for my son, tackling household business woefully neglected during the workweek and generally catching my breath--were spent at my mother-in-law’s house. There, with a sister-in-law’s help, my husband and I shopped, ran errands, took care of his mother’s household business, worked on the reorganization of her finances and deciphered letters from Medicare. Managing that with an exploring, curious and sometimes-mischievous toddler in tow was a challenge.
And, unfortunately, it cannot be confined to after-business hours. The health of an aging parent can change without notice, making worry a constant undercurrent, that can be brought to the surface at any time with the jangle of the telephone.
A parent’s illness can bring sudden changes to family dynamics. Bonds are strengthened with some siblings, torn with others, as new responsibilities are shouldered or shaken off.
Two years ago, I wrote a story for The Times on choosing a home for the elderly, based on advice from experts. I re-read that article before we found a board-and-care facility for my mother-in-law, and it was all fine advice. But it did not begin to address the conflicting emotions that I now know accompany the decision.
Being sandwiched between aging parent and growing child involves upheaval, challenge and adjustment. But for us, things are getting better. The other day, the telephone rang, and it was somebody from the retirement home. We froze. So many calls in the past 3 months have meant another crisis. This time, though, the call was about some prescriptions that needed to be refilled.
Now that was a crisis we could handle.
