LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on IBM’s $1.2-billion profit last quarter: “Of course, Republicans want the credit. Democrats just want the taxes.”

Jay Leno, on Ivan the Gorilla being moved from a Tacoma, Wash., shopping mall cage to the Atlanta Zoo: “They are going to introduce him to three female gorillas. And, of course, to one male gorilla so he will have somebody to brag to.”

Seen, on a billboard outside the Catch restaurant in Anaheim, by reader Suzanne Hough: “Daily Special: Lack of Ram.”

Comic Jenny Church, on state Democrats filing a lawsuit against the Republicans over a campaign donation from a tobacco company: “It seeks $125,000 and whatever else they can cough up.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on accusations that rock singer Courtney Love abused a flight attendant on a plane to Australia: “Several other passengers had to use their airsick bag. The audio channel was playing her music.”

Comic Dennis Miller, on the largest auction of rock ‘n’ roll memorabilia: “Among the items, a rare Fender guitar, a photo of Fats Domino that once hung at the Apollo, and Michael Bolton’s first Xerox machine.”

*

A ship captain told his small crew of three that their ship was sinking, and that the lifeboat could only hold three men: “Perhaps you have heard the old adage that the captain always goes down with his ship. That is hogwash! I, for one, will be in that lifeboat. Those of you who answer the following questions correctly will join me.”

To the first, he asked: “What was history’s most famous ship-sinking?”

“The Titanic disaster, sir,” he answered. “Correct,” the captain replied.

“How many people were on board that ship when it started to sink?” the captain asked the second. “There were 2,228 passengers and crew included, sir,” he said. “That is also correct,” the captain replied.

To the third, the captain asked: “What were their names?”

-- Alan Weiss, Santa Monica

*

Cirque du O.J. . . . “I guess there are some problems with the conjugal visits for jurors. One was unable to perform sexually, so they had to call in an alternate.” (Leno)

* “Tuesday’s court session got off to a great start. Everybody got goose bumps when Whitney Houston sang the opening argument.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “O.J. wanted to deliver part of the opening argument because he hasn’t worked since last June. If he doesn’t do at least four lines on camera, he’ll lose his union health insurance.” (Hamilton)

* “O.J.’s attorneys want to show his scars to prove he wasn’t physically able to commit the murders: I hope they’ll skip the hernia operation.” (Ryan)

*

While attending college, L.A. reader Ray Ordoqui was frequently interrupted by requests from daughter Linda, 4. When he could not oblige, he would reply, “OK, honey, as soon as Daddy has time.” One day, while Linda was in a dress shop with her mother, a salesperson asked her if she had any brothers or sisters.

“No,” Linda replied, “but I will as soon as Daddy has time.”