Punch Lines

Leno Wants to Know: “How many people are here because they are on vacation, and how many are here because you were recently fired by the Dodgers?” (Jay Leno)

Young Love: Macaulay Culkin married his girlfriend, Rachel Miner. They’re both 17. “Things didn’t go well at the bachelor party. The stripper jumped out of the cake to surprise Culkin, and he hit her in the head with a bucket of paint. The awkward part of the wedding ceremony came when Macaulay got to kiss the bride. Not only did he have to lift her veil, he had to remove her retainer.” (Leno)

Wrong Number: AT&T;, the telephone giant, has announced it will merge with TCI, the cable TV giant. “Now phone customers will actually be able to see the phone operators making obscene gestures at every customer who asks a question.” (Jeff Corveau)

Goal, Goal, Goal: U.N. inspectors have found nerve gas in Iraqi missiles. “Saddam Hussein defended his government, stating that the warheads were only going to be used as a last-ditch effort to win at the World Cup.” (Gil Christner)

Dark Skies: “Smoky fires in Florida have caused big changes in the summer tourist areas. For instance, Disney World has changed its motto to ‘The Haziest Place on Earth.’ ” (Christner)

Look Up: President Clinton gave out a prestigious architecture award in a ceremony at the White House. “This year’s winner was the Italian architect who proposed mirrored ceilings in the Oval Office.” (Conan O’Brien)

Toasted: A New Jersey couple is suing Kellogg’s, claiming that some Pop-Tarts were behind a fire that caused $600,000 in damages. “President Clinton is following the case very carefully. He says every time a tart pops up in his life, it costs him legal fees of at least $600,000.” (Hamilton)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.