Nothing Like a Crowded Lot to Provoke the Parker Within
The holidays are so often a time of revelation. Whether through a spiritual epiphany brought on by angelic hosts or merely a long-festering family confrontation fueled by too many bourbon balls, people tend to reveal parts of themselves they keep hidden during the rest of the year. Nowhere is that more poignant than in the parking lot of a shopping mall or superstore. Why, just the other day, my husband and I discovered that we were completely ill-suited for marriage.
Me: Why are you parking way back here? We only went up and down four aisles.
Him: I don’t want to mess with all this parking lot traffic.
Me: The parking lot is half empty.
Him: The parking lot is half full.
Can this marriage be saved? Fortunately, we were able to hail a cab to take us from the parking space to the actual store, and on the ride there, I realized that we were merely having the same conversation my parents have been having for the past 40 years, and, hey, they’re still married.
I also realized that it takes all kinds to make up a parking lot--my husband is a Pioneer; I am a Circler. A few other types found in parking lots:
The Butterfly
Heading for one empty space, this driver is suddenly tempted by a glimpse of an even better one, only to find upon arrival that someone else has taken it, and so begins the process all over again. At a mall, this driver has a difficult time deciding whether to park near the store to be visited first or the one to be patronized last. Distinguishing characteristic: often seen gazing skyward as if in search of divine inspiration.
The Lily of the Field
When confronted with a near-capacity lot, this driver will simply pull into an arbitrary row, then stick the car in neutral and wait, firm in the belief that sooner or later one of the nearby spaces will open up. Distinguishing characteristics: windows rolled up, car vibrating with full volume radio to drown out honking horns and accompanying profane suppositions.
BYOS
If there are no spots available, this ingenious driver makes one. Whether extending a row by parking right beside the last space, or squeezing into the striped triangle between the wall and the dumpster, this driver believes that if there is space to park a car, it is technically a parking space. Distinguishing characteristics: tends to saunter, hands in pockets while walking away from the vehicle, carefree whistle optional.
The Flasher
Rejecting subtlety completely, this driver simply pulls in front of the store in question and puts the emergency lights on--if this driver’s needs are being thwarted, it’s an emergency. Distinguishing characteristic: upon finishing errand, hastens to inform the police officer standing beside the car that everything’s fine--but thanks for checking in.
The Stalker
Hovers outside the store entrance, waiting for a hapless shopper to emerge, then locks in, determined to obtain that parking space or die trying. Becomes enraged if shopper merely drops off bundles or retrieves a pacifier then heads back into the mall. Distinguishing characteristics: wears infrared night goggles; clenches jaw.
The Spouse
After a halfhearted attempt to find a parking space, this driver suggests that spouse or companion “get started” while the driver continues the search, then heads directly for the nearest cafe for a quick latte and hazelnut biscotti. Distinguishing characteristic: brushes off crumbs while hurrying to the store.
The Barracuda
Keeps an eye out for SUVs patiently waiting for a car backing out of a space, then, taking advantage of the larger vehicle’s poor maneuverability, darts in before it. Distinguishing characteristics: feigns surprise--”Oh, you were waiting, gee, sorry”; gets coal in stocking come Christmas morn.
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Mary McNamara can be reached at mary.mcnamara@latimes.com.
