Out with the odd, in with the new

The last three letters of trend are e-n-d and here are a few that we wish would take the hint:

Headset cell phones -- Hands-free telecommunication makes plenty of sense in the car, but all these people wandering around mumbling to the air in front of them is way too “Fahrenheit 451” even for Californians.

Botox parties -- If you must self-mutilate, do it in the privacy of your own bathroom like the rest of us.

Exposed midriffs -- We don’t care how post-post-post-feminist it is: No bellybuttons at the office.

Tree sitters -- Next, they’ll be hiring tree nannies and asking for federally funded tree-care centers. Remember when it was enough just to hug them once in a while?

Tip jars -- Begun as a collection plate for barristas, they now show up wherever there’s a cash register. Since when do you have to tip someone for ringing up a newspaper and some Tic Tacs?

SUV bashing -- It’s righteous. It’s boring. Just wait for war in the Middle East and events to take their natural course.

Saber rattling -- Mr. President, do it or don’t do it, but stop talking about it.

“My Big Fat Greek Wedding” -- Nice movie, and certainly everyone loves to see Lainie Kazan get work, but “Citizen Kane” it was not. So enough already.

Shaq’s toe -- Yeah, and my hair hurts, but here I am at work anyway.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick -- Finally, the most photographed pregnancy has ended and the preternaturally ubiquitous couple are nowhere to be seen. Not even the best personal trainer can beautify sleep-deprivation. Now, if they’ll just try for twins next time.

Mojitos -- Did Jagermeister teach us nothing? Never trust an alcoholic beverage with a J not pronounced like a J.

The chocolate martini -- It may taste delicious, but it is a sin against God and nature.

Homeland security -- Does Tom Ridge make you feel secure? More at home? Can the guys in the mailroom stop opening our packages now?

“Friends” -- We can suspend imagination and accept that none of these attractive people, now in their mid-30s, is married to or even living with anyone outside the original circle, but the fact that they continue to live in the same apartments is pretty weird. Don’t they know interest rates are at their all-time lowest?

Diane Sawyer celebrity interviews -- Oh, she has the sympathetic nod down pat, but she can’t even muster a shadow of the Barbara Walters frown of deep and loving concern. Maybe it’s the Botox.

Michael Jackson.

Hollywood’s face lift -- OK, it’s less disheveled than it was a few years ago, but the mall at Highland is a bust and there’s a Jamba Juice and a Ross Dress for Less on Hollywood Boulevard. Why, if it weren’t for the mercifully persistent Marilyn and Yoda impersonators, we’d think we were in Kansas anymore.

Sick cruise-goers -- They say it was a virus; we say it was all those chocolate martinis.